So just for the hell of it and since I haven't posted anything on here in awhile, I thought I would start a wonderfully brand new blog entry! Yes folks! It's here! Oh whatever will we do now? Well enjoy it of course! Silly readers. Just proves something I've recently discovered. Some people find it impossibly hard to think for themselves. They are given something and they don't know what to do with it. They have to be told. Which basically means that since they are incapable of using what they are given without instruction, maybe it was never theirs in the first place, or maybe they don't have the right to keep it. It is only when someone earns something that they learn the true value of what it is. It's only when they grasp something worth fighting for and truly try their best to keep it, that the object or "thing" in question, for lack of a better word, becomes theirs. Now this doesn't mean that just because you have something you didn't work for you should throw it away. It goes a bit deeper than that. Does this thing have a connection to you? Do other people want it? Do you care if you have it or not or does it just make things more convenient for you? Things like this are not just a matter of convenience. If you don't care, if it just makes your life more convenient, then maybe it's not worth it. Maybe you're not worth it. At least not worth this thing that you have that you didn't and don't fight for. So in the end, what is yours and what isn't? What makes your bones shake at the very thought of losing it? What are you willing to kill for, at the slightest inclination it would be needed, to preserve it? What will you grasp until circumstances out of your control rip it from you? Maybe these are the things that truly belong to you. And if they belong, you wouldn't even risk the thought of giving them to someone else.

So today I finished a book that I liked very much and in the process I was forced to consider who I am. And I'm not talking about the labels that people use to describe oneself. I am not just a 5' 5", 120 pound, seventeen year old girl with golden brown eyes and natural blond highlights in my brown hair. I am more than just a name. I am more than just Courtney Boone. I am a woman-to-be working my way through high school and making the mistakes permitted to me as I do so. I'm a person who tries my best to breathe in the day instead of simply living in it. I am someone who acts goofy to people on the outside and tries my best to make their life better so that I may keep an inner peace and my own counsel on the inside. I am a living being capable of making another, of thinking of the complexities of the world we live in, of birthing new ideas. I am someone who reaches out to others when I feel the need to do so. I am a will of iron, I am anger of varying degrees, and someone who runs when I want to and dances and sings when the feeling comes to me. I am a member of the human race, whose numbers are so large it is almost impossible to make a big and lasting difference. I am the potential to change the fate of a society that is killing itself through it's own greed and convenience. I am a part of both life and death. I live in the moment while planning for the future. I act on a whim that I knew would come to me. I run with my feet and walk with my mind. I stand still while the Earth continues to spin around me. No matter where I go I am constantly standing on the brink of change for the world is constantly changing and I am no exception to it. I am a mind with thousands upon thousands of thoughts spinning through it each day. I am a spirit that can get lost in a book and find my way out either crying with loss or whooping and giggling with joy. I am a person who holds my friends dear for when facing the world they are few but strong and in the end they're all I have. I am someone who can find both peace in the darkness and danger. I am someone who can soak in the sunlight and glow with an inner warmth. I am someone who can brave the cold and come home in my own despair shivering and hoping for warmth. I am someone who wishes the Earth was a better place and wasn't polluted and torn by the stench of capitalism and greed. I am a person who can do something about it no matter how small a thing or action. I am a mind; a heart; a drop in the wave of a turbulent ocean. I am a child who can watch the world in awe and aspire to something more. I am all of these things at once. I am a small lick of flame in a burning bonfire. I am part of something more than a single person. I am a heart and soul; my friends and family. I am unexplainable. I am myself. I may be trifled with, I may be tested, I may be hurt and I may be torn but no one can take that away from me. Even in the depths of my own despair I am still my own person. I will make mistakes, I will change, I will grow older, and I will die. These are life's simple truths and no one can change that. But through all of this I will be myself. We haven't the words to describe a life. A simple, human life. We have only experiences to share in an effort to describe things where language fails us. So at the end of it all, it isn't me who can describe myself, or even my friends who can describe me. But I can show it to you. I can help you experience all that is my life. Will you know me? Or will you decide that this life is nothing to do with you and go about your own life in a search for a different set of experiences?

So have you ever been called out on something you did wrong? Sure you have. No one is perfect and I'm sure you've offended someone at some point in your life. Hopefully, they've been man (or woman) enough to speak up and say, "Hey! That's not okay." I mean seriously, if they don't tell you that you've done something wrong, how could you know not to do it again? Anyway, this happened to me earlier. I was having a very legitimate conversation on a blog here on Xanga in which I managed to call someone "bitter". I didn't mean it as an insult. It was meant as an exclamation of surprise but it ended up looking more like an accusation considering it had an exclamation point at the end and everything. What's even better, is that I reread the comment several times before posting it and didn't see anything wrong with it. Since I didn't view what I said as being anything hurtful or any kind of bad thing (and it certainly wasn't meant like that), I didn't see how anyone else could see it that way either. Anyway, I was promptly called out on it which was fine. I get it now. I understand. I'll be much more careful about what I say and how I say it in the future, especially over the internet. Lesson learned.
     Of course, I apologized. I felt horrible for it. I never purposefully insult anyone unless they have wrongly hurt me or one of my friends, and the fact that I might have hurt someone else who didn't deserve it, even by accident, just killed me. And what sucks about the English language (or maybe language in general) is that there is only one way to say that you screwed up and you wish you hadn't done that; which is "I'm sorry." Two simple words. They've lost their worth over the years I think. People nowadays use those words all of the time. Even when they don't mean it. What's even worse is that they're also used to apologize for things that aren't your fault.
      For instance, your grandmother dies. Anyone who hears of it, to show you that they care, must tell you, "I'm sorry." Maybe that was where those words really started losing their meaning. We, as speakers of the English language, are unable to say anything but those two words. That's all we have. Our language seems to be a poor one. We have no simple, meaningful, not-worn-out word to encompass the loss of a human life and the knowledge that comes with knowing that the two people in the conversation consisting of "I'm sorry" are in completely different worlds right in that moment of time. So maybe, we as people of the human race, speakers of the English language, or any other language that can't seem to suit your needs, should come up with a different way to say things. Something that not every single person will say. Something meaningful and all your own. That way, next time you do chose to say you're sorry, the person you're speaking to will know for sure that you mean it. They will know that you are so mind-overridden by what has happened that you really can think of nothing else to say, that it is no longer a cliche, or something you say because you have nothing else you can think of to say, like a threadbare garment you threw on because you could find nothing else to wear and it would be awkward to walk out of your house naked. Make your words mean something. You see, I chose to say "I'm sorry" to the person that I said was "bitter". They obviously didn't take me seriously seeing as how they took it upon themselves to write a blog including that instance and how they were wronged. I'm not sure if this was for venting purposes or to rub it in my face but it was quite apparent that they think I'm a horrible person who likes to hurt people. That I'm not allowed to make a mistake, even a small one (in my opinion anyway). So I guess the next time I screw up I'll have to find a better way to say what I mean, instead of some worn out cliche of an English word. So maybe then, the person I wronged will hear me, and take me seriously, not take the self-righteous course and spread dislike for me among others for something I felt bad enough for doing in the first place.